I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
