I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
