omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
