Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
