I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
