She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
