I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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