If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I want a musical about memes.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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