My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
