I wish I could punch you in the face.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
