I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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