I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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