i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
