Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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