im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
