Is it because I queefed?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
