Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
