I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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