One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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