Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
