life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
