You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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