I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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