i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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