the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
