The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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