You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
