the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
