the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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