an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
