We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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