A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
