you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
