New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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