if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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