Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
