My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
we're making bets on your personal life
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
