my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
