The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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