I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
