Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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