the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
