the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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