I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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