Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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