I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just puked most of my soul out..
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