bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
