my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
