Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
