I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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