so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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