I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
