I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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